calories Burned During Sex

The Act of Insertion

If the man is ready (same vice-versa)		1/4 calories
If the woman is not (same vice-versa)		274 calories

Satisfying Partner (organ size)

Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

Normal size		22 calories
Oversize		15 calories
Tremendous		8 calories
Teensy-weensy		163 calories

Positions

Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)		20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom (Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.)		25 calories
From the rear (Mysterious variation)		40 1/2 calories
Standing: Both partners of equal height		18 calories
Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man		90 calories
While in traction (very useful during ski season)		124 calories

Locations

On a bar stool		20 calories
Rear of a Honda Civic		38 calories
In a phone booth, standing		14 calories
In a phone booth, lying down		274 calories
On an airliner, aisle seat		24 calories
On an airliner, middle seat		42 calories
On an airliner, window seat		30 calories
On an airliner, in the lavatory		100 calories

Possible Side Effects of Intercourse

Bouncing		7 calories
Sliding around		9 calories
Serious Skidding		12 calories
Full cartwheel		20 calories
Whiplash		27 calories
Knee burn		6 calories
Chafed elbows		5 calories
Chafed nose		11 calories

Sex Related Noises

Short gasps (per gasp)		3 calories
Wheezing		5 calories
Squeals		4 calories
Ecstatic moaning		11 calories
Low growling		8 calories
Squishing		10 calories
Shouting		16 calories
Screaming		18 calories
Urgent begging		22 calories
Any short speech giving partner directions ("Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more" are common examples.)		25 calories

Approaching Orgasm

Letting go		5.5 calories
Controlling yourself		79 calories
Digging nails into your partner's back		11 calories
Trembling		15 calories
Shaking		20 calories
Shuddering		25 calories
Trying to keep eyes open		33 calories

Orgasm

Real		27 calories
Faked		160 calories

Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Expression didn't change		1/2 calorie
Face turned purple		15 calories
Orchestra swelled		6 calories
Magical explosions		10 calories
Blazing Sheets		25 calories
Earth moved		30 calories
Vesuvius erupted		47 calories
You began moaning in Latin		60 calories

Pulling Out

After orgasm		1/4 calorie
A few moments before orgasm		500 calories

Multiple Orgasms

For women:
2		14 calories
5		30 calories
8		47 calories
(Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)
For Men:
2		21 calories
3		39 calories
4		57 calories
(For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)

Special Orgasms

Clitoral.		15 calories
Vaginal		21 calories
Penile		21 calories
Scrotile		15 calories
Rectal		25 calories
Oral (can also occur during an especially good meal)		30 calories

Premature Ejaculation*

During insertion		2 calories
During intercourse (Approximately. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.)		5 calories
During foreplay		3 calories
Immature ejaculation (Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.)		4 calories

Consequences of Premature Ejaculation

Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv.

For Women
Frustration		8 calories
Anger		15 calories
Violent mood swing		20 calories
Surpressing rage		25 calories
Not surpressing anger (In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.)		65 calories
For Men:
Cursing		10 calories
Apologising		3 calories
Snivelling		5 calories
Pleading for mercy		8 calories
Begging for another chance (Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.)		15 calories

Possible Side Effects of Good Sex

The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:

Swooning		6 calories
Palpitations		10 calories
Shortness of breath		5 calories
Perspiring		8 calories

Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex

A less-than-sunny desposition

1 calorie

Recovering

Un-entwining		3 calories
Regaining motor control of pevis (After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.)		7 calories
Standing up		9 calories
Getting some juice		11 calories

Rolling Over and Going to Sleep

After intercourse (Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they've done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.)		18 calories
During intercourse (Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.)		32 calories
During foreplay (Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.)		12 calories
Avoiding the wet spot		80 calories

Trying Again

If the woman is ready		5 calories
If the man is not		156 calories

Dreaming

Regular dream		2 calories
Wet Dream Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner; Add 20 calories if your partner notices		16 calories
Wet Trance (Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.)		20 calories

Group Sex

Introducing yourself		3 calories
Overcoming shyness		8 calories
Swapping partners, willingly		4 calories
Swapping partners, unwillingly		62 calories
Jealousy (Partner having more fun than you are)		16 calories
Mixed doubles		26 calories
Being nice to everyone		100 calories
Anger (You suddenly realize that you're wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.)		10 calories
Finding your clothes		5 calories

Masturbation

For pleasure only		6 calories
For exercise, too		10 calories
For relief from tension		12 calories
To pass the time		7 calories
To avoid overeating		16 calories
To get in touch with inner self		10 calories
To get in touch with outter self		10.5 calories
To avoid insanity		24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date (In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.)		9 calories
Using your hand(s)		11 calories
Using your finger(s)		9 calories
Using tweezers		2 calories
Using an inflatable doll		24 calories
Using Any fruit or vegetable (Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley)		19 calories
Using a vibrator, hand-operated		12 calories
Using a vibrator, windup		9 calories
Using a vibrator, electric		5 calories
Using anything not mentioned here		50 calories
In a pornographic movie theater - purchasing the ticket		2.5 calories
In a pornographic movie theater - finding isolated seat		78 calories
In a pornographic movie theater - adjusting raincoat		3 calories

Typical Sex-Related Fears

Partner hates me for what I did		4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didn't do		8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual		10 calories
Climaxing too soon		5 calories
Climaxing too late		6 calories
Not climaxing		20 calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object		9 calories
Partner doesn't think of me as a sex object		47 calories
Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm		88 calories

Personal Fears

Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm		6 calories
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field		8 calories
Penis envy		72 calories
Body odor of a disgruntled yak		25 calories

Getting Caught

By partner's spouse		60 calories
By your spouse		60.5 calories
Trying to explain		165 calories
Stuttering		28 calories
Throwing up (Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed)		40 calories

Almost Getting Caught

Trying to remain calm		100 calories
Fright (includes trembling)		66 calories
Leaping out of bed		25 calories
Getting dressed in one large motion		300 calories
Thanking partner quickly		2 calories
Jumping out of window add 5 calories if window wasn't open		15 calories
Landing		1 calorie
Running very fast		50 calories

Luz

Ribeiro